He'll want to talk to Kyoko as well, sooner rather than later, but Kaito's got the priority at the moment. Innocuous vegetables and girls will be left alone for the moment.
Unsurprisingly, just seeing him sets Shinji's mind a tiny bit more at ease. "Sure," a good place for them to score a bit of privacy, so that anyone busy making meals can have their concentration unbroken by wherever conversation this leads. Into their room he goes, closing the door behind him.
Before trying to untangle anything too complex right away, though, there is something that's on Shinji's mind that he wants to get out of the way. "Just... a moment," he mumbles gently, closing the gap between the two of them to slip his arms around Kai's middle to pull him into a hug.
Kai hadn't thought he was worried about where this conversation would take them. He didn't think he was nervous. Whatever shake ups had happened with his steadfast beliefs just before that call, tickling at all his old fears, Kai still thought that this would be fine.
The surprise that hit him when he was pulled into the hug was maybe enough of a sign that he was more worried than he let on. The warmth that chase quickly after though, that was the reassurance that he'd been right. Kai's arms found their way around Shinji without any hesitation, head dipping down to his shoulder.
Shinji knows that a lot of this is for his own peace of mind. Having Kai solidly here, in his arms and returning this spot of affection, is always going to offer him a moment of quiet assurance. With that in mind, he was also fairly certain that Kai was in need of the contact as much as he was. It's a simple action, but one that Shinji hopes communicates well enough that he's Here, he isn't going anywhere, and that the two of them should be okay. A good baseline to convey before trying to dive into putting words to all of his feelings.
He sighs gently, sinking into the embrace and tightening his own hold as Kai's arms envelop him.
"I just need to do this for a bit," however long this 'bit' might be. "It's easier to think about this with you right here."
"Happy to help," Kai said with a soft puff of a chuckle. It was true though. If just this much could help weather whatever turbulence was in Shinji's head, Kai was all about it. Shinji was bringing him calm, so if he could return the favor with clarity, then this was the ideal.
"No rush," he went on with another low assurance. "I'm right where I want to be."
It's so much easier to actually consider what might be at stake if he were to try and ignore his feelings to vehemently or just run from the situation altogether. Kaito doesn't deserve that, Kyoko doesn't either. It's the kind of perspective that Shinji needs the most if he wants to move forward.
For a few more moments, he continues to bask in this deeply desired comfort, before pulling back just a tiny bit to actually start airing his thoughts.
"It's not like either of you really had a choice, if you wanted to get out."
No surprise that the two of them didn't just jump to the smoochin' solution right away.
"So, really, it wasn't fair to either of you to be put in that kind of situation in the first place." Not that it changes that it happened, but it's another important piece of perspective to keep in mind. "So it's not like I think you two did anything wrong."
If it was as easy as coming to that conclusion though, this could have ended with the phone call. It did still happen, and it did still make other things occur. There just hadn't been a choice to avoid it.
It was good Shini didn't think they did anything wrong, but. "You're still feeling something about it though."
It would have been easy enough to wiggle out of the more emotional aspect of this conversation with those logical platitudes having in the air, so it's a good idea to keep them on track. Well done, Kaito.
"It's like..." How to articulate this? He pulls back some more, but keeps his hands at Kai's arms while he picks over his thoughts more thoroughly. "Even if I had been there... I wouldn't have been able to do anything for either of you.And now Kyoko's worried about it, even though it wasn't something she wanted to do in the first place." What kind of conclusion can he draw from all of this? "It's... frustrating, I guess."
Kai let him slip away easily enough, his own hands settling there at Shinji's sides. Don't go too far now, it was easier for Kai to follow along with him right there. He needed every little extra bit of help he could get.
"Frustrating, huh." Kai repeated it quietly, turning it over. "That there were no options? Or..." He paused, frowning slightly as he searched Shinji's expression. "That it hurt anyway?"
Don't worry, this is as far as he's planning to go right now. The clarity Kai provides is vital for this talk, but getting too cozy would surely be counter productive.
"Mostly that there wasn't another option," he can say that much easily. But... still, "Maybe... a little that it hurt anyway. But more than that, I can't help but feel kind of mad at myself for not assuming that it would have been tough on you two right away."
Kai's brow furrowed a bit. More and more he was getting the idea that his own reactions were. Incorrect. He wasn't sure how to reconcile that. At least he could be honest about it, for better or worse.
"It was awful for Kyoko, she hated everything about it. She was real worried and it was a trial just getting it over with. I... didn't mind the whole thing." He paused, fingers curling lightly into Shinji's shirt as a guilty look crossed his face. This sounded not good now, he knew, just don't go anywhere yet.
"It didn't feel like a big deal to me, cuz it was just one of those Havenwell things. I thought we were really good, y'know? I still think that. So I didn't even think to worry about it at first, 'cuz I knew I was always comin' back to you."
There's another twist in his stomach when Kai starts explaining, but Shinji does his best to let him finish without jumping to any conclusions. It's that last couple of lines that finally manages to ease some of those knots out, thankfully. It's not enough to put him at total peace of mind, but knowing that the destination is right back here, and that the any bumps in the road aren't things worth worrying about, it's... a decent step in the right direction.
He grasps lightly at the fabric of Kai's sleeves as he digests all of this - he's not going anywhere. Even if that's quite a stance to take on it, he's not going anywhere. Surely, with what they've weathered already, this is a only a minor hiccup.
"You really are too good," he exhales, letting his head dip down to rest against Kai's shoulder for a moment. "That's... a very 'you' way of approaching it, I think. I shouldn't be surprised." He picks himself up again, but only a tiny bit. "Even if I felt conflicted about it, I never thought that either of you would do anything to hurt us on purpose. You being so confident in us, what we have... that makes me feel better about it, really."
Somehow 'you're too good' was not the response Kai thought Shinji's reactions were leading up to. So it was good that Shinji was dipping down for a moment, because Kai's face sure was going through some motions right about then. Of course this was partially because any 'you' way of approaching things was probably code for the fact that he was an idiot, he was extremely sure.
It was his turn to dip his head though, gently resting his on Shinji's. "... I'm glad." He really, truly wouldn't have known what to do otherwise. "Hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do, but..." Kai took a breath and sighed.
"I'm still an idiot, Shinji. So don't hide it if I do. Lemme know what you're conflicted about so I can do better."
By 'you', he really just meant honest and straightforward, perhaps careless in his recklessness, but never malicious.
"I know you aren't perfect, Kai." Neither of them are! By their own admissions, they're both pretty stupid, there's no point in pretending like they aren't. "But I know you're not trying to hurt anyone, either. That's something that can just kind of... happen, completely on accident, when you're close to someone. It doesn't make me think any less of you." Nobody can fully understand how someone else thinks and feels, and that's bound to lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It's just, with Kai, that risk is solidly worth it.
"I'll try, though. I can't promise I'll be very good away catching myself right away, but I'll do my best."
Ahh, how comforting. Shinji closes is eyes for a moment to just enjoy that soft gesture, exhaling some of that tension he was still holding on to as he does.
"Thank you." They've both been doing their best by each other, that's really all they can ask for.
And, to make his point that he isn't upset with Kai crystal clear, he turns his head, leaning up in order to steal a more proper kiss. He's okay - they're okay.
Oh, hey there. Kai blinked in surprise as Shinji took what was rightfully his. That quickly settled into something much happier as Kai leaned in to seal the deal, reaching up to cup Shinji's cheek.
They were good, just like he knew they'd be. It was a little bumpy, yes, and Kai wasn't super sure he understood which part of the problem was the actual problem. Talking, though. Talking was good.
Kai kept this one short and sweet, but he didn't stray far. He'd been thinking on it for a while, but he was pretty sure he was comfortable with the name now. He placed another kiss at Shinji's temple, murmuring.
"Oh," was the first breathy reaction from Shinji, and for a moment, it's all he can manage as his heart jumps right up into his throat.
There was a part of him that was very convinced that he might not ever hear that sentiment echoed back at him. And that was fine! He had been knocked off guard the first time it had happened, and it was easy to hold that memory as a one-time thing. Kai treated him well, and made him feel safe and cared about, and that was more than enough for Shinji. That's all he would have asked for.
Hearing it again nearly bowls him right over. All the warm fondness in his chest, simmering quietly under any more turbulent feelings, positively ignites at those two murmured words. His face heats right up, and his hold on Kai tightens like it's the only thing keeping him anchored to this spot.
"Ah," he finally remembers to take a breath in, moving in to bury his face in the crook of Kai's neck to hide whatever undoubtedly ridiculous look was crossing it at that moment. "I love you."
Wow that was one of the cutest things he'd ever seen. Wow!!
What a very sweet and compelling assurance that, yes, this had been good. That feeling that swelled so satisfyingly through his everything as Shinji tucked in against him could only be love. It had been so baffling when Kai had first noticed it, and there had been no frame of reference for what it could have possibly been. But bit by bit he'd learnt its name. Through whispers in the dark and soft stolen kisses, warm hands and careful notes.
He just hadn't been sure he'd gotten it right, but that seemed silly now when he thought of how Shinji saying it made him feel. What else could it have possibly been?
Kai wrapped up that smaller frame more snugly, a protective response to how tightly Shinji was holding on. It was okay, there was no way Kai was going to let him blow away. "Don't forget, ok? I'll remind you."
Thank you for that extra support, ensuring that Shinji will not get swept away in this clearly groundbreaking confession.
Just as he's been unsure about how to articulate his feelings on the more thorny aspects of today, he's also lost on how to really express his overwhelming gratitude at hearing those words. All he can really do for a few moments is press himself nice and close to Kai, nodding gently against him as that last sentiment is handed to him. He won't forget. He'll be holding on to this feeling as tightly as he can for as long as possible.
"Me too," he eventually squeaks out. Whenever he needs to say it, he will, but with that thought settling on his mind, it stirs up another thought that may, perhaps, resolve some of his feelings from earlier. They're probably baseless, probably, but maybe he'll feel a little better in the long run if he voices them.
"And if... if there's anything you need from me," he measures out his next words carefully, easing back juuust enough to make sure he can look up at Kai, and make sure he's heard clearly. His cheeks are still very red, and that's not about to change with what he has to say next. "Anything at all, that you might not be getting... please tell me."
Anything he might need? Kai blinked at that. He thought they'd covered things pretty well? It wasn't like he needed very much at all, and Shinji was just very good at meeting all of those without doing anything differently from his usual patterns. Telling him why he was upset when he could was just established so what? Else?
Anything he needed from him. Kai peered down at him, but the only clue he was getting was just how vibrantly crimson those cheeks had gotten. It felt like he was on the cusp of understanding, but that was in an untapped realm of potential that Kai's thoughts wandered near only sometimes in the depths of night. So that wasn't it.
Oh. Oh no. You're really going to make him say it.
Are his cheeks getting hotter? Is that even possible at this point? Still, he doesn't divert his focus away from Kai, because this is an important message to get across, even if tackling it so head on is pretty far outside his normal comfort zone.
"Y-you know," clearly he does not, which is... a kind of comfort on his own? At least it's not an unspoken issue. "Anything more... intimate."
There was a beat as that untapped realm of potential came careening back around the corner with sirens blaring. Hello, it was time for it to Exist Now.
Oh. Uh. "Oh," he breathed out, his own face warming a bit as he realized the clues were in fact the clues. This felt a little left-field with the rest of the conversation, but maybe it wasn't?
"I haven't like... needed anything," Kai attempted to assure him. Need seemed like a really strong word in this instance. Still, his gaze roamed over the warmth of Shinji's expression and Kai found himself gently biting his lip. If Shinji was the one bringing it up, then. Well.
"Doesn't mean I haven't thought about it, but that's... more of something we should both want, right?"
Okay, at least he doesn't need to be more explicit than that for Kai to catch on. Thank you, this is true mercy.
"Well, yeah." Of course, they should both want it, there's no question about that. He'd figured that bringing it up at all would be an indication of Shinji being in favor of it as well, but maybe a little extra push wouldn't hurt. Even if approaching this topic still fairly embarrassing, he's taking this as seriously as he can. "I want to make sure you know it's on the table."
Not something that he'd have to wonder about, or feel like he has to seek out elsewhere. And maybe... maybe that's some part of what had knocked him so off guard about this whole thing in the first place.
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Unsurprisingly, just seeing him sets Shinji's mind a tiny bit more at ease. "Sure," a good place for them to score a bit of privacy, so that anyone busy making meals can have their concentration unbroken by wherever conversation this leads. Into their room he goes, closing the door behind him.
Before trying to untangle anything too complex right away, though, there is something that's on Shinji's mind that he wants to get out of the way. "Just... a moment," he mumbles gently, closing the gap between the two of them to slip his arms around Kai's middle to pull him into a hug.
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The surprise that hit him when he was pulled into the hug was maybe enough of a sign that he was more worried than he let on. The warmth that chase quickly after though, that was the reassurance that he'd been right. Kai's arms found their way around Shinji without any hesitation, head dipping down to his shoulder.
"Take all the time you need."
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He sighs gently, sinking into the embrace and tightening his own hold as Kai's arms envelop him.
"I just need to do this for a bit," however long this 'bit' might be. "It's easier to think about this with you right here."
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"No rush," he went on with another low assurance. "I'm right where I want to be."
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For a few more moments, he continues to bask in this deeply desired comfort, before pulling back just a tiny bit to actually start airing his thoughts.
"It's not like either of you really had a choice, if you wanted to get out."
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"Mhm. We tried holding hands and stuff like we had, but no dice."
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"So, really, it wasn't fair to either of you to be put in that kind of situation in the first place." Not that it changes that it happened, but it's another important piece of perspective to keep in mind. "So it's not like I think you two did anything wrong."
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It was good Shini didn't think they did anything wrong, but. "You're still feeling something about it though."
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It would have been easy enough to wiggle out of the more emotional aspect of this conversation with those logical platitudes having in the air, so it's a good idea to keep them on track. Well done, Kaito.
"It's like..." How to articulate this? He pulls back some more, but keeps his hands at Kai's arms while he picks over his thoughts more thoroughly. "Even if I had been there... I wouldn't have been able to do anything for either of you.And now Kyoko's worried about it, even though it wasn't something she wanted to do in the first place." What kind of conclusion can he draw from all of this? "It's... frustrating, I guess."
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"Frustrating, huh." Kai repeated it quietly, turning it over. "That there were no options? Or..." He paused, frowning slightly as he searched Shinji's expression. "That it hurt anyway?"
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"Mostly that there wasn't another option," he can say that much easily. But... still, "Maybe... a little that it hurt anyway. But more than that, I can't help but feel kind of mad at myself for not assuming that it would have been tough on you two right away."
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Kai's brow furrowed a bit. More and more he was getting the idea that his own reactions were. Incorrect. He wasn't sure how to reconcile that. At least he could be honest about it, for better or worse.
"It was awful for Kyoko, she hated everything about it. She was real worried and it was a trial just getting it over with. I... didn't mind the whole thing." He paused, fingers curling lightly into Shinji's shirt as a guilty look crossed his face. This sounded not good now, he knew, just don't go anywhere yet.
"It didn't feel like a big deal to me, cuz it was just one of those Havenwell things. I thought we were really good, y'know? I still think that. So I didn't even think to worry about it at first, 'cuz I knew I was always comin' back to you."
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He grasps lightly at the fabric of Kai's sleeves as he digests all of this - he's not going anywhere. Even if that's quite a stance to take on it, he's not going anywhere. Surely, with what they've weathered already, this is a only a minor hiccup.
"You really are too good," he exhales, letting his head dip down to rest against Kai's shoulder for a moment. "That's... a very 'you' way of approaching it, I think. I shouldn't be surprised." He picks himself up again, but only a tiny bit. "Even if I felt conflicted about it, I never thought that either of you would do anything to hurt us on purpose. You being so confident in us, what we have... that makes me feel better about it, really."
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It was his turn to dip his head though, gently resting his on Shinji's. "... I'm glad." He really, truly wouldn't have known what to do otherwise. "Hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do, but..." Kai took a breath and sighed.
"I'm still an idiot, Shinji. So don't hide it if I do. Lemme know what you're conflicted about so I can do better."
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"I know you aren't perfect, Kai." Neither of them are! By their own admissions, they're both pretty stupid, there's no point in pretending like they aren't. "But I know you're not trying to hurt anyone, either. That's something that can just kind of... happen, completely on accident, when you're close to someone. It doesn't make me think any less of you." Nobody can fully understand how someone else thinks and feels, and that's bound to lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It's just, with Kai, that risk is solidly worth it.
"I'll try, though. I can't promise I'll be very good away catching myself right away, but I'll do my best."
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He turned his head, pressing a kiss right there in Shinji's hair. "Promise I'll try to do the same."
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"Thank you." They've both been doing their best by each other, that's really all they can ask for.
And, to make his point that he isn't upset with Kai crystal clear, he turns his head, leaning up in order to steal a more proper kiss. He's okay - they're okay.
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They were good, just like he knew they'd be. It was a little bumpy, yes, and Kai wasn't super sure he understood which part of the problem was the actual problem. Talking, though. Talking was good.
Kai kept this one short and sweet, but he didn't stray far. He'd been thinking on it for a while, but he was pretty sure he was comfortable with the name now. He placed another kiss at Shinji's temple, murmuring.
"Love you."
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There was a part of him that was very convinced that he might not ever hear that sentiment echoed back at him. And that was fine! He had been knocked off guard the first time it had happened, and it was easy to hold that memory as a one-time thing. Kai treated him well, and made him feel safe and cared about, and that was more than enough for Shinji. That's all he would have asked for.
Hearing it again nearly bowls him right over. All the warm fondness in his chest, simmering quietly under any more turbulent feelings, positively ignites at those two murmured words. His face heats right up, and his hold on Kai tightens like it's the only thing keeping him anchored to this spot.
"Ah," he finally remembers to take a breath in, moving in to bury his face in the crook of Kai's neck to hide whatever undoubtedly ridiculous look was crossing it at that moment. "I love you."
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What a very sweet and compelling assurance that, yes, this had been good. That feeling that swelled so satisfyingly through his everything as Shinji tucked in against him could only be love. It had been so baffling when Kai had first noticed it, and there had been no frame of reference for what it could have possibly been. But bit by bit he'd learnt its name. Through whispers in the dark and soft stolen kisses, warm hands and careful notes.
He just hadn't been sure he'd gotten it right, but that seemed silly now when he thought of how Shinji saying it made him feel. What else could it have possibly been?
Kai wrapped up that smaller frame more snugly, a protective response to how tightly Shinji was holding on. It was okay, there was no way Kai was going to let him blow away. "Don't forget, ok? I'll remind you."
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Just as he's been unsure about how to articulate his feelings on the more thorny aspects of today, he's also lost on how to really express his overwhelming gratitude at hearing those words. All he can really do for a few moments is press himself nice and close to Kai, nodding gently against him as that last sentiment is handed to him. He won't forget. He'll be holding on to this feeling as tightly as he can for as long as possible.
"Me too," he eventually squeaks out. Whenever he needs to say it, he will, but with that thought settling on his mind, it stirs up another thought that may, perhaps, resolve some of his feelings from earlier. They're probably baseless, probably, but maybe he'll feel a little better in the long run if he voices them.
"And if... if there's anything you need from me," he measures out his next words carefully, easing back juuust enough to make sure he can look up at Kai, and make sure he's heard clearly. His cheeks are still very red, and that's not about to change with what he has to say next. "Anything at all, that you might not be getting... please tell me."
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Anything he needed from him. Kai peered down at him, but the only clue he was getting was just how vibrantly crimson those cheeks had gotten. It felt like he was on the cusp of understanding, but that was in an untapped realm of potential that Kai's thoughts wandered near only sometimes in the depths of night. So that wasn't it.
"What wouldn't I be getting?"
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Are his cheeks getting hotter? Is that even possible at this point? Still, he doesn't divert his focus away from Kai, because this is an important message to get across, even if tackling it so head on is pretty far outside his normal comfort zone.
"Y-you know," clearly he does not, which is... a kind of comfort on his own? At least it's not an unspoken issue. "Anything more... intimate."
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Oh. Uh. "Oh," he breathed out, his own face warming a bit as he realized the clues were in fact the clues. This felt a little left-field with the rest of the conversation, but maybe it wasn't?
"I haven't like... needed anything," Kai attempted to assure him. Need seemed like a really strong word in this instance. Still, his gaze roamed over the warmth of Shinji's expression and Kai found himself gently biting his lip. If Shinji was the one bringing it up, then. Well.
"Doesn't mean I haven't thought about it, but that's... more of something we should both want, right?"
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"Well, yeah." Of course, they should both want it, there's no question about that. He'd figured that bringing it up at all would be an indication of Shinji being in favor of it as well, but maybe a little extra push wouldn't hurt. Even if approaching this topic still fairly embarrassing, he's taking this as seriously as he can. "I want to make sure you know it's on the table."
Not something that he'd have to wonder about, or feel like he has to seek out elsewhere. And maybe... maybe that's some part of what had knocked him so off guard about this whole thing in the first place.
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