There was a beat as that untapped realm of potential came careening back around the corner with sirens blaring. Hello, it was time for it to Exist Now.
Oh. Uh. "Oh," he breathed out, his own face warming a bit as he realized the clues were in fact the clues. This felt a little left-field with the rest of the conversation, but maybe it wasn't?
"I haven't like... needed anything," Kai attempted to assure him. Need seemed like a really strong word in this instance. Still, his gaze roamed over the warmth of Shinji's expression and Kai found himself gently biting his lip. If Shinji was the one bringing it up, then. Well.
"Doesn't mean I haven't thought about it, but that's... more of something we should both want, right?"
Okay, at least he doesn't need to be more explicit than that for Kai to catch on. Thank you, this is true mercy.
"Well, yeah." Of course, they should both want it, there's no question about that. He'd figured that bringing it up at all would be an indication of Shinji being in favor of it as well, but maybe a little extra push wouldn't hurt. Even if approaching this topic still fairly embarrassing, he's taking this as seriously as he can. "I want to make sure you know it's on the table."
Not something that he'd have to wonder about, or feel like he has to seek out elsewhere. And maybe... maybe that's some part of what had knocked him so off guard about this whole thing in the first place.
Give him a few moments of pondering the train of thought that went between "upset over kiss" and "we could be spicy," and he might just figure that out. He was a little distracted by the spicy bit.
It was looking more and more obvious by the second that yes, Shinji bringing it up probably meant Shinji was into it. Which was great for Shinji if so, because it would have taken Kai a very long time to reach a point where he thought it'd be fine to bring it up himself. It wasn't a need, he didn't want Shinji to feel pressure in any way, he didn't know what he was doing??
"Well then. Sure seems that way. Definitely on the table." This was a very smooth conversation. "Have... have you needed anything?"
Neither of them really know what they're doing for sure, but for Shinji, Kai feels like a safe enough person to explore all of these concepts with. At whatever pace they need to take it at.
Just taking this extra step forward is kind of a lot, if Shinji's being honest, but it feels like it's a necessary one. This is something that is welcome! Whenever they feel like pursuing it! That door is open, they can explore it at any point.
"Well, not... not anything that I can't take care of myself," he replies, mumbling sheepishly. "It's just... you know, something to keep in mind."
Aha, yes, Kai could understand. That was precisely why he hadn't Needed anything either, since he happened to have his own hands. Very useful.
"Mmm, definitely." Kai grinned at him. It didn't feel like so much of a daunting prospect just yet while they were just standing around talking about it. Everything else had gone alright so far, even when he was worried, so he didn't see this being much different. If it went anything like their adventures into kissing, it'd probably be very nice.
Can Shinji get more flustered? Just from hearing that? Yes, he can. But it's fine, because Kai's being so good about all of this, there's no reason to feel too thoroughly embarrassed about it, especially if he focuses more on that warm feeling brewing in his chest.
"Y-yeah." He, too, will keep this offer in mind. With that, he settles back in to rest his head against Kai's shoulder in a more restful, comfortable manner. This... this is good. This has all been very good, all things considered. "And, I can do the same for you."
There was a quick swallow there. Kai couldn't say when his idle thoughts when taking care of business had taken a more defined form, but 'soft hands' had most certainly been one of the new features. "Yeah," Kai breathed out. "Yeah, we can... we can see how it goes."
Whenever it was! They wanted to do that. There wasn't a rush, even if there was a giddy little uptick to his pulse. Geez.
Just a little one though. As nervously exciting as things were, that cozy lean was calming. Calming enough for Kai to have his thoughts settle a bit more. This was not the direction he was expecting the magic words to take them in. It really hadn't been his intent! And yet. Here they were.
"Was... there a reason you thought I was missing something like that?" Again, it seemed sort of left-field, but if he thought about the whole reason they were having this conversation. Oh. Hang on. The cogs are turning now.
Think about it long enough and you're sure to get the answer, Kai. Shinji isn't about to let him just flounder on it for too long, though, not when the interests of being upfront with each other are on full display here.
"It's not... something I think you would actually do," he picks his words very carefully, and keeps himself tucked away against the other boy's shoulder. "But I suddenly kept having this... worry, that if I didn't make it clear that it was okay, you might..." he hesitates again, very aware of how bad this will probably sound. It's his own insecurities at play, rather than any distrust for Kai, but, still, "Think you have to go somewhere else for it."
Yes. Somewhere around there was where the cogs reached a conclusion. That maybe kissing a girl would awaken wanting to only kiss girls or... that, that absolutely wild scenario that Shinji was laying down. It wasn't bad so much as it was baffling, but it also... made sense when it came to the lonely ache inside them.
"Ah. I think I get it." Kai shifted a little so he could comfortably lift a hand, carefully brushing it through Shinji's hair. "You know... you're the first person I've ever been into like this. Even if you say you aren't actually up for it, 'm not about to go anywhere."
Ah, what a comfort that hand in his hair is. Shinji stinks a little further in to Kai's hold at it, leaving what he has to say next a bit muffled.
"I know." Like, he knows this, and it's reassuring to hear it reiterated, but there's still a part of him braced for the worst. And that's what feels awful about it all, like that part of him should be at ease by this point. None of it's Kai's fault, but it's still something he has to deal with. Just terrible.
He turns his head a bit, to make himself clearer, "I don't like the thought that I might be keeping you from someone better, but I don't want to push you away or let go of you, either."
Like his head and his heart are at odds over this point. It's dumb. Just super dumb.
"I can't stop you from worrying," because Kai definitely worried over the exact same thing, "but I'd be glad to prove you wrong whenever you want me to." Whatever that might entail. Kai didn't know. He just knew that this thought Shinji was holding on to was fundamentally incorrect.
"Even if there's a better person out there, they're not you."
Time for Shinji to once again bury his face in Kai's shoulder, this time more securely wrapping his arms around him as if to emphasize that 'not wanting to let go' point all that much more. "Thank you," he murmurs. Even if he still has trouble letting go of that particular worry, the reassurances are always welcome. "You really are good to me, you know that?"
So just... let him stay here for another moment or two.
His shoulder was all his for as long as Shinji wanted it.
Kai gave him a squeeze before he went back to threading his fingers through his hair. "I sure hope so," he murmured back fondly. "Wanna give you my best." Shinji deserved way better than that, but he wasn't the only person here that didn't want to let go.
"Promise I'll be upfront if I want anything. You'll know."
Edited (wrote that different) 2021-02-04 02:11 (UTC)
On the contrary, Shinji's positive that this is so, so much more than he deserves. He's going to hang on to it as long as possible, though, as long as Kai will have him.
For now, he takes the opportunity to just... bask in reassuring and pleasant this moment is. He keeps his arms wrapped tightly around the other, and after a handful of seconds settled quietly in like that, he takes a deep breath and loosens his hold, just a bit.
"Thank you," he starts, nice and soft and sincere, "I'm... I'm feeling better now. This helped, a lot."
Kai let out a soft, relieved sigh across Shinji's hair. Thank goodness. This had been quite the emotional adventure that he hadn't known to anticipate. This was a good conclusion though, and an educational one at that. Very valuable lessons were learned today, from not assuming things would be fine from the get-go to making sure Shinji got all those extra reassurances he was so good at giving Kai.
"Really glad it did. 'M sorry I made you worry so much in the first place."
"It's okay," he'll reassure Kai of this as many times as he needs as well. Whatever feelings were stirred up on his end, it's nothing he feels the need to really blame either Kai or Kyoko for. "I had... a really strong feeling that talking with you would ease that worry."
That trust paying off is quite a reassurance on its own.
"I should... go let Kyoko know that everything's all right."
Hearing that brought Kai a little bit more relief. As long as they could talk things out like this, things would be fine probably. He just had to be mindful of his promises.
"Ah... yeah, I'm sure she's worried. She'll definitely want to hear it from you."
Which meant it was finally time to let Shinji go. Giving him another little squeeze, Kai eased his hold. There was one more kiss planted right there on his noggin.
"I didn't see a cake, but that doesn't mean she didn't go all out on dinner."
Ah. That's entirely possible. He's not confident that he wouldn't be shoo'd right out of the kitchen if he offered to help under these circumstances, but she at least deserves to know there aren't any hurt feelings floating around out there.
"I'll see if I can stop her from going any more overboard with it than she already might have."
Unlikely, but he may as well try, right? Before he lets go of Kai completely, however, Shinji leans up once more to return that kiss, brushing a quick, soft one onto Kai's cheek. One more reassurance, one more sincere display of affection to really cement the idea that everything will be fine.
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Oh. Uh. "Oh," he breathed out, his own face warming a bit as he realized the clues were in fact the clues. This felt a little left-field with the rest of the conversation, but maybe it wasn't?
"I haven't like... needed anything," Kai attempted to assure him. Need seemed like a really strong word in this instance. Still, his gaze roamed over the warmth of Shinji's expression and Kai found himself gently biting his lip. If Shinji was the one bringing it up, then. Well.
"Doesn't mean I haven't thought about it, but that's... more of something we should both want, right?"
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"Well, yeah." Of course, they should both want it, there's no question about that. He'd figured that bringing it up at all would be an indication of Shinji being in favor of it as well, but maybe a little extra push wouldn't hurt. Even if approaching this topic still fairly embarrassing, he's taking this as seriously as he can. "I want to make sure you know it's on the table."
Not something that he'd have to wonder about, or feel like he has to seek out elsewhere. And maybe... maybe that's some part of what had knocked him so off guard about this whole thing in the first place.
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It was looking more and more obvious by the second that yes, Shinji bringing it up probably meant Shinji was into it. Which was great for Shinji if so, because it would have taken Kai a very long time to reach a point where he thought it'd be fine to bring it up himself. It wasn't a need, he didn't want Shinji to feel pressure in any way, he didn't know what he was doing??
"Well then. Sure seems that way. Definitely on the table." This was a very smooth conversation. "Have... have you needed anything?"
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Just taking this extra step forward is kind of a lot, if Shinji's being honest, but it feels like it's a necessary one. This is something that is welcome! Whenever they feel like pursuing it! That door is open, they can explore it at any point.
"Well, not... not anything that I can't take care of myself," he replies, mumbling sheepishly. "It's just... you know, something to keep in mind."
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"Mmm, definitely." Kai grinned at him. It didn't feel like so much of a daunting prospect just yet while they were just standing around talking about it. Everything else had gone alright so far, even when he was worried, so he didn't see this being much different. If it went anything like their adventures into kissing, it'd probably be very nice.
"Maybe if you want a helping hand next time."
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"Y-yeah." He, too, will keep this offer in mind. With that, he settles back in to rest his head against Kai's shoulder in a more restful, comfortable manner. This... this is good. This has all been very good, all things considered. "And, I can do the same for you."
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Whenever it was! They wanted to do that. There wasn't a rush, even if there was a giddy little uptick to his pulse. Geez.
Just a little one though. As nervously exciting as things were, that cozy lean was calming. Calming enough for Kai to have his thoughts settle a bit more. This was not the direction he was expecting the magic words to take them in. It really hadn't been his intent! And yet. Here they were.
"Was... there a reason you thought I was missing something like that?" Again, it seemed sort of left-field, but if he thought about the whole reason they were having this conversation. Oh. Hang on. The cogs are turning now.
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"It's not... something I think you would actually do," he picks his words very carefully, and keeps himself tucked away against the other boy's shoulder. "But I suddenly kept having this... worry, that if I didn't make it clear that it was okay, you might..." he hesitates again, very aware of how bad this will probably sound. It's his own insecurities at play, rather than any distrust for Kai, but, still, "Think you have to go somewhere else for it."
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"Ah. I think I get it." Kai shifted a little so he could comfortably lift a hand, carefully brushing it through Shinji's hair. "You know... you're the first person I've ever been into like this. Even if you say you aren't actually up for it, 'm not about to go anywhere."
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"I know." Like, he knows this, and it's reassuring to hear it reiterated, but there's still a part of him braced for the worst. And that's what feels awful about it all, like that part of him should be at ease by this point. None of it's Kai's fault, but it's still something he has to deal with. Just terrible.
He turns his head a bit, to make himself clearer, "I don't like the thought that I might be keeping you from someone better, but I don't want to push you away or let go of you, either."
Like his head and his heart are at odds over this point. It's dumb. Just super dumb.
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"I can't stop you from worrying," because Kai definitely worried over the exact same thing, "but I'd be glad to prove you wrong whenever you want me to." Whatever that might entail. Kai didn't know. He just knew that this thought Shinji was holding on to was fundamentally incorrect.
"Even if there's a better person out there, they're not you."
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Time for Shinji to once again bury his face in Kai's shoulder, this time more securely wrapping his arms around him as if to emphasize that 'not wanting to let go' point all that much more. "Thank you," he murmurs. Even if he still has trouble letting go of that particular worry, the reassurances are always welcome. "You really are good to me, you know that?"
So just... let him stay here for another moment or two.
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Kai gave him a squeeze before he went back to threading his fingers through his hair. "I sure hope so," he murmured back fondly. "Wanna give you my best." Shinji deserved way better than that, but he wasn't the only person here that didn't want to let go.
"Promise I'll be upfront if I want anything. You'll know."
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For now, he takes the opportunity to just... bask in reassuring and pleasant this moment is. He keeps his arms wrapped tightly around the other, and after a handful of seconds settled quietly in like that, he takes a deep breath and loosens his hold, just a bit.
"Thank you," he starts, nice and soft and sincere, "I'm... I'm feeling better now. This helped, a lot."
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"Really glad it did. 'M sorry I made you worry so much in the first place."
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That trust paying off is quite a reassurance on its own.
"I should... go let Kyoko know that everything's all right."
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"Ah... yeah, I'm sure she's worried. She'll definitely want to hear it from you."
Which meant it was finally time to let Shinji go. Giving him another little squeeze, Kai eased his hold. There was one more kiss planted right there on his noggin.
"I didn't see a cake, but that doesn't mean she didn't go all out on dinner."
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"I'll see if I can stop her from going any more overboard with it than she already might have."
Unlikely, but he may as well try, right? Before he lets go of Kai completely, however, Shinji leans up once more to return that kiss, brushing a quick, soft one onto Kai's cheek. One more reassurance, one more sincere display of affection to really cement the idea that everything will be fine.
"Hopefully it won't take too much convincing."
He. Will see.