All Kai had been able to glean about the flowers was that they were signs of things that people didn't want to talk about. The idea that different ones meant different things wasn't something that had occurred to Kai. Violets and anemones were no different than gardenias or roses to him. Just big secret alerts. Very annoying.
It was fine, and really didn't need to be a rush. "I know," Kai said as he shifted to get more cozy, wrapping an arm around Shinji's shoulders. Here was a grin for him too. "But I like listening in. Seemed pretty win/win to me."
The attention was on him now though. Kai hmm'd a bit as he sorted through how he wanted to say things now that he'd been nudged into it more blatantly. "Guess I've just been thinking about somethin' for a while, but I dunno if I'm just... uh..."
An idiot. Extremely stupid. Just real, real dumb.
"... Being me about it," he went on, easy-going despite the implications that alone would have.
Careful what you say there, Kai, that's Shinji's boyfriend you're talking about.
Those implications aren't lost on Shinji, though - he had a pretty good idea of what Kai thinks of himself. Without the exact wording to dispute, all he can really assume that pause means is that he might be under-thinking the issue at hand. No reason to be less charitable about it than that.
"I'm listening," he coaxes gently, leaning in as Kai's arm loops around him. If there's anything Shinji's any good for, it's over-thinking things. Let's balance the problem out between them, so a proper amount of thought can be averaged out.
That was kind of precisely what was going on. Kai had been thinking real hard about it, sure, but he was still pretty sure he wasn't grasping the real weight of it. Just because he didn't think it was a problem didn't mean it wasn't, as he had learned the last time something of this nature had come up.
That had been a different kind of problem though, hadn't it. The worries there were tied up in being replaced, not being good enough. Shinji leaning in was as comfortable and wholly desired as it had ever been. Nothing about that had changed. The love he had for this boy was unwavering.
So all of this was just... confusing. Still, Shinji being a steady comfort at his side made it that much easier to get straight to the point. Kai didn't want to drag this out and give him the wrong idea. Please give him your opinions, Shinji, so he knew what direction he should take.
"Do you think it's possible to love two people the same way?"
Matters of the heart are still a pretty big mystery to Shinji. Even with all that he's experienced in Havenwell, he's certain his scope of how love works in the first place is very limited. What Kai's laid out here already feels like something that could quickly go way over way over his head, best to give that question some thought before jumping to any conclusions.
"I don't know," he answers honestly after a moment. Maybe it would depend on the kind of love? Caring about two friends the same way isn't far fetched at all, and, at least in theory, a parent should love their children pretty much equally... so, maybe? Maybe. "How do you mean...?"
'I don't know' wasn't 'No,' so that response was comforting all on its own. If Shinji had had a firm opinion on the subject already, Kai would have nipped it in the bud right there. There'd be no need to let that particular bloom happen.
But... maybe! Maybe.
"Like... us," Kai said after a moment, regarding Shinji fondly as he said it. Like two friends that tripped and fell into something More along the way. That happening even once had seemed incredibly wild. Hell even having more than one close friend had seemed like an impossibility, so what did he even know about anything at all?
'Like us' definitely made the complicated nature of the question much more clear, but also puts a strange kind of angle on it that Shinji wasn't entirely expecting. Would Kai even be asking this if it weren't a personal question? Would those flowers get coughed up if he were asking on someone else's behalf? It certainly doesn't have anything to do with Kyoko's secret, he figures, given how adamant Kai had been about keeping his lips sealed on that, so... what's with this question now?
A small seed of worry sprouts in his stomach, but until he finds out more about this particular wonder of Kai's, there's no reason to panic. Not yet.
"So... if you or I," hypothetically(?), "fell in love with another person?"
"But in the same way," Kai added on. He could already see how easy it would be to skip a few stones ahead and take it the wrong way. People were surely capable of loving multiple people-- Shinji had a first love, after all. That wasn't the question at hand, and it was an extremely important distinction to make.
"If you or I," not-so-hypothetically, "were in love with two people. Not one or the other, just... both of them."
Shinji remains quiet for another moment, letting that idea sink in. It's not something that feels entirely unbelievable. His own situation hadn't been very cut-and-dry, but hadn't that been sort of what the facts shook out to look like when Kaworu had been in Havenwell? He'd worked as hard as he could to keep a lid on his heart to keep things from getting too complicated, because they absolutely would have without as much discretion as he could manage, even if it didn't work out exactly as he'd thought it would in the end.
"Both of them," he echoes the sentiment after a bit. Even with that spot of experience under his belt, there's still something that twists in the pit of his stomach at the thought. The question, though, is if it was weird or not. Whatever judgement he may pass on himself for it, Kai surely deserves something more generous. "I guess, maybe... it's not too weird, when you put it like that."
The quiet was expected. It was a big thing to consider, even more so considering... well. They were who they were. The possibility of 'both of them' hadn't been even an inkling of consideration when Kai had confessed his worries of being replaced. Those concerns he'd had over Kaworu's existence hadn't even been about love, just friendship had still been blowing Kai's mind.
Leaping from there to Two of Them was understandably A Lot.
Which was why he let out a soft puff with Shinji's answer. "But still kinda weird," he concluded from Shinji's assessment. "Thought so."
It would be very easy for Two of Them to simply be a bridge to Just One of Them, be it a matter of friendship or love. There shouldn't be much room for doubt in Shinji's mind whether Kai would be sincere about his affections being truly equal and shared, assuming that he is talking about himself in the first place. He's always been honest, and as straightforward as he can be. Shinji knows he can trust him.
It can't stop that latent worry that one of those people might overtake the other in importance, though. If there were a second someone who could coax that much affection out in the first place, who's to say they couldn't keep it up until things become unbalanced? Would Shinji's own heart even be able to take a possibility like that...?
But, still. Kai's come to him for advice. To help get a scope of this sort of situation. So, they should talk through this the best that they can.
He brings his hands in front of himself, folding them tightly together before letting them come to a rest in his lap.
"It's probably not impossible," he adds, his voice softer than before, "even if it's unusual."
It was a valid worry through and through. They were both too intimately acquainted with it, and that was exactly why Kai had to say something. He wanted to say it on his own terms, without anything else getting into the middle of it all and muddling it up. They were both good on doing that on their own, thanks.
Those worried hands caught his eye, and Kai watched them carefully for a moment. Ahh. Reaching over, Kai rest his other palm warmly over them.
"Mmmm.... I am the weird one here," Kai said with a dry breath of a laugh, "so I guess it'd make sense if I had the weirdo heart."
Kai gave both the boy and his hands a firm squeeze, tipping his head a bit to try and catch Shinji's gaze. There was light poking fun at his own old 'freak' reputation, but this right here was real important. "Even if it is," he said softly, "it can't touch how much I love you. 'M always gonna come back home."
Oops, good luck trying to catch a peek at his face when Shinji is already making an evasive maneuver to rest his head against Kai's shoulder. He's not sure what kind of expression he's even wearing, and he wouldn't want something like his face giving Kai the wrong idea when Shinji's not even sure how he feels about all of this just yet. At the same time, leaning in to his touch feels like, if nothing else, the right move to be making. He doesn't want to go anywhere, wouldn't want to lose Kai.
With it all but confirmed that, yes, this is a personal wonder on Kai's part, that gives Shinji even more to sift through. "I'm not saying that you're weird for it," he protests lightly, very much aware that Kai's trying to bring a bit of levity to the situation, but also not quite knowing what to say next and not wanting that thought to hang there for too long.
And what now...? He hesitates again from there. There's a part of him that feels like he shouldn't ask, but wouldn't it help him feel a little more... certain, about the situation if he knew, "Can I ask who it is...?"
"You can say it if you want," Kai said lightly. "I think I'm weird for it."
Which was.. yeah, pretty much confirming that this was more specifically about him. Straying on side of 'I dunno maybe' was as much of a go ahead on admitting the rest that Kai could have wanted. He didn't really think he'd be able to get away from the conversation this far in and not have it be obvious that the hypothetical wasn't all that hypothetical.
Kai gave his hands a warm squeeze. "Wasn't gonna keep it from you." Not when it wouldn't be hard to guess. Their social circle was not what anyone would call robust. What a surprise it would be, considering Kai's laments over not being able to be in two places at once. Resting his head on Shinji's, Kai spoke a bit softer, as if that would make it a little less guilty.
Even as he asked it, there was a tightness in his chest as he prepared for what the answer might be, ready for what Kai has to say to sink it.
Somehow, the answer doesn't tie his stomach up in knots quite as much as he'd anticipated. There probably are only a very limited number of people who it could have been, and really, if he thought about it on his own, who else could it have been, if not Kyoko? Is this an outcome he should have seen coming? That definitely gives him a lot to think about, so... please, give him some time.
Shinji doesn't budge from leaning against Kai as he tries to make sense of these new facts and his own feelings. Last he knew, Kyoko had some kind of 'it's complicated' status with someone from home. Would that make Kai's affections something inherently fruitless? There's something about it that kind of stings in this context - maybe the idea that someone else could take her away from them, even if that someone doesn't exist in Havenwell. He can't even take comfort in the fact that Kai's feelings have a very real chance of not being reciprocated with that little prickle of unease lingering off that thought, as awful as he feels even considering it.
"She's really great," he murmurs eventually, voice small despite how heavy it is. 'If I can't have you to myself, I want nothing to do with you,' echoes distantly through his mind as he tells himself to be careful with how he approaches his response. He can't be like that, above everything else. He can't afford to let his own greed push Kai away. "I don't think I can blame you."
He had all the time in the world for you, Shinji. However long Kai had taken to think about this, he owed Shinji that much time and more. It was a lot! He knew it was a lot, and this was grossly unfair of him. He'd already had so much right here in his arms, where did he get off with wanting anything more than this? when it wasn't even possible to have it anyway??
Kyoko's status was pretty 'It's Complicated' from Kai's standpoint too. Her heart was very clearly elsewhere in ways she thought would ruin their friendships. That still seemed like it was a Kyoko kind of exaggeration, so he was taking it with a grain of salt. That didn't change the ache in his heart though. Her feelings were real enough.
He hadn't needed to say any of this. He could have gotten away with saying nothing at all, and he wouldn't have had to know he put that heaviness in Shinji's voice. It would have been worse if he found out some other way, Kai reminded himself. There was always going to be another way.
"Mm... so I hope whoever she likes knows she's as great as we do," he softly.
Despite the quiet thoughts that Kai's feelings were ones that might lead nowhere, hearing Kai say that, admitting that he's also sure that he has no real chance here... That hurts more than Shinji expected, too.
"So do I." She deserves to feel as cared about as possible. If whoever she fancies is even half as kind and attentive as Kai is, then she should be good, hopefully. Hopefully.
That only does so much to address Kai's confession, but knowing a fuller scope of it makes that secret feel less turbulent. It's still a vast, murky thing on Shinji's end, but it seems like it won't be tossing either himself or Kai around too much. His own worries about whether or not he'll be able to stave off some of those more depressing thoughts this has set free can be set aside for now. He clasps his hands a little tighter together before narrowing his focus down solely to Kai's plight.
"Do you feel any better?"
Secrets off your chest, and ideally flowers out of your throat as a result?
"Uh," Kai said, a tell tale to the blunt truth about to follow. "Not really."
Really there wasn't any part of admitting to your anxious boyfriend that you had an unrequited feeling for someone else-- inevitably hurting them along the way-- that felt good. Felt pretty shitty actually. The tickle in his throat wasn't flowers anymore, he was sure, so yeah. He had that going at least. Kai sighed softly through his nose.
"Just wanted to be honest," he went on quietly. "So nothing could turn it into something else. S'not supposed to be a secret."
"... but it's not gonna be anything you don't want it to be, either."
Well, that's... Shinji's not sure how to feel about that. It's not exactly comforting that this didn't bring Kai any net reprieve, but would Shinji have felt better if it had, considering the subject matter? At least this is all a testament to Kai's honesty, and at least he got to unleash this information on his own terms, but... oof.
This sucks.
But what in the world could he possibly want it to be? He doesn't want it to be anything, if all it's being is a pain to both Kai and himself, but it's not like he can just wish this painful fact away, and Kai clearly didn't want it to be a secret, so...
Because if Shinji didn't want it to be anything, then that's what the answer was. It really didn't need to go any farther than here. It'd just be karma catching up to him if his secrets were spilled in front of her later, and the real party they'd both be worried about would have already known.
"'Cuz I'm not trying to like... find something that I'm missing," Kai said, hugging Shinji a bit more. That had been the issue before, and Kai was sure it had all come simmering right back up to the surface. "I'm not missin' anything. You've made me the happiest I've ever been. I don't need anything else if I've got you here with me."
Then softer. "Just went from not caring at all to caring way too much, I guess."
He appreciates the consideration, he truly does, but leaving that decision up to him is a lot. Shinji doesn't want to make Kai keep secrets, especially not when the truth has a way of making itself known sooner or later in a place like this. He doesn't want to give the go-ahead to something that might damage his relationship either, or just as bad, jeopardize his standing with Kyoko. If Kai tells her this, surely it would leave her under some kind of pressure. Surely she'd feel awkward around Shinji after it.
And that... would be extra bad, especially when they have plans for the immediate future that require them to work together. Shinji is... relatively confident that he can keep this secret under wraps and act normally around her at least as long as those plans require it for, but if Kyoko knew...
"I won't tell you not to," he says carefully, wringing whatever assurance he can from everything Kai has to say. This isn't because of anything Shinji is or isn't doing, this isn't some kind of attempt to put him at arms length. "But... if you do decide to... can it wait? Maybe... a week, at least?"
He needs that much promised to him before he can touch on those other sentiments more meaningfully.
Gosh what a specific amount of time. Who knew what that was about. Kai wasn't paying it any mind, way more preoccupied with the right here and now.
"Of course." A week was fine, yes. "Whenever, if ever. I'm... not in a rush to mess more things up," he said with a soft laugh, running his thumb over Shinji's knuckles.
There's a little extra twist at his heart as those words hit his ears, like he's the one making Kai feel like he's screwing things up. That's probably the most frustrating part of it, Shinji can't really figure out that there's anyone here to blame for things feeling so tangled so suddenly. Kai is just being true to his own heart, and it's not like Kyoko would want things to get out of hand, either. The only place left to direct that frustration is inward and he's... trying. not to do that.
Okay, though, okay, he'll unclasp his hands enough to carefully envelop Kai's hand in his. Gotta be nice and gentle, just in case those hands of his are still tender from this month's earlier hiccups.
"I told you before, I'm not going anywhere," he reassures him, voice staying quiet as he does. "Even... even if you do let her know, I won't go anywhere. As long as you'll have me."
Anyway you look at it, Shinji, it was Kai doing the screw ups here. Even if he had a lot of good intentions, that didn't mean he hadn't just made a mess. Maybe it wasn't the kind that really had a solid place to saddle the blame, but Kai'd really prefer it get hoisted on him. He could shoulder his own choices.
Those gentle hands wrapping around his were still a comfort though. Being ready to face whatever happened didn't mean he wasn't starting to freak out a little bit.
He let out a slow breath, turning his head to rest his forehead against Shinji's hair. "You'll always be home, Shinji. Whatever happens, 'm gonna come back to you every time. I won't go anywhere you can't reach."
'What if someone else felt more right', 'He shouldn't have to feel obligated', and other such treacherous notions briefly surface among Shinji's thoughts, ones which he tries his hardest to not pay any attention to. They're there, but will they plague him if he doesn't think about them? We... will see.
"You'll always have a place with me," he answers, voice still sounding awfully small despite how reassuring he wants to be. Maybe gently tracing his fingers along Kai's will help keep him grounded in this moment. "I just want you to be happy."
"I am happy," he said firmly. This moment right here was rough, sure, but overall? Unthinkably happy.
"If things keep going just like this, I'll still be happy. Spending time with both of you like this, whether its as friends or more, that's... that's all I really want. Wanna stay like this with you and make you happy. I know someone else out there is gonna make Kyoko happier so... just caring while I can is fine, really."
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It was fine, and really didn't need to be a rush. "I know," Kai said as he shifted to get more cozy, wrapping an arm around Shinji's shoulders. Here was a grin for him too. "But I like listening in. Seemed pretty win/win to me."
The attention was on him now though. Kai hmm'd a bit as he sorted through how he wanted to say things now that he'd been nudged into it more blatantly. "Guess I've just been thinking about somethin' for a while, but I dunno if I'm just... uh..."
An idiot. Extremely stupid. Just real, real dumb.
"... Being me about it," he went on, easy-going despite the implications that alone would have.
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Those implications aren't lost on Shinji, though - he had a pretty good idea of what Kai thinks of himself. Without the exact wording to dispute, all he can really assume that pause means is that he might be under-thinking the issue at hand. No reason to be less charitable about it than that.
"I'm listening," he coaxes gently, leaning in as Kai's arm loops around him. If there's anything Shinji's any good for, it's over-thinking things. Let's balance the problem out between them, so a proper amount of thought can be averaged out.
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That had been a different kind of problem though, hadn't it. The worries there were tied up in being replaced, not being good enough. Shinji leaning in was as comfortable and wholly desired as it had ever been. Nothing about that had changed. The love he had for this boy was unwavering.
So all of this was just... confusing. Still, Shinji being a steady comfort at his side made it that much easier to get straight to the point. Kai didn't want to drag this out and give him the wrong idea. Please give him your opinions, Shinji, so he knew what direction he should take.
"Do you think it's possible to love two people the same way?"
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Matters of the heart are still a pretty big mystery to Shinji. Even with all that he's experienced in Havenwell, he's certain his scope of how love works in the first place is very limited. What Kai's laid out here already feels like something that could quickly go way over way over his head, best to give that question some thought before jumping to any conclusions.
"I don't know," he answers honestly after a moment. Maybe it would depend on the kind of love? Caring about two friends the same way isn't far fetched at all, and, at least in theory, a parent should love their children pretty much equally... so, maybe? Maybe. "How do you mean...?"
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But... maybe! Maybe.
"Like... us," Kai said after a moment, regarding Shinji fondly as he said it. Like two friends that tripped and fell into something More along the way. That happening even once had seemed incredibly wild. Hell even having more than one close friend had seemed like an impossibility, so what did he even know about anything at all?
"I dunno if that'd be like... weird?"
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A small seed of worry sprouts in his stomach, but until he finds out more about this particular wonder of Kai's, there's no reason to panic. Not yet.
"So... if you or I," hypothetically(?), "fell in love with another person?"
Is that what we're going for here?
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"But in the same way," Kai added on. He could already see how easy it would be to skip a few stones ahead and take it the wrong way. People were surely capable of loving multiple people-- Shinji had a first love, after all. That wasn't the question at hand, and it was an extremely important distinction to make.
"If you or I," not-so-hypothetically, "were in love with two people. Not one or the other, just... both of them."
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Shinji remains quiet for another moment, letting that idea sink in. It's not something that feels entirely unbelievable. His own situation hadn't been very cut-and-dry, but hadn't that been sort of what the facts shook out to look like when Kaworu had been in Havenwell? He'd worked as hard as he could to keep a lid on his heart to keep things from getting too complicated, because they absolutely would have without as much discretion as he could manage, even if it didn't work out exactly as he'd thought it would in the end.
"Both of them," he echoes the sentiment after a bit. Even with that spot of experience under his belt, there's still something that twists in the pit of his stomach at the thought. The question, though, is if it was weird or not. Whatever judgement he may pass on himself for it, Kai surely deserves something more generous. "I guess, maybe... it's not too weird, when you put it like that."
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Leaping from there to Two of Them was understandably A Lot.
Which was why he let out a soft puff with Shinji's answer. "But still kinda weird," he concluded from Shinji's assessment. "Thought so."
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It can't stop that latent worry that one of those people might overtake the other in importance, though. If there were a second someone who could coax that much affection out in the first place, who's to say they couldn't keep it up until things become unbalanced? Would Shinji's own heart even be able to take a possibility like that...?
But, still. Kai's come to him for advice. To help get a scope of this sort of situation. So, they should talk through this the best that they can.
He brings his hands in front of himself, folding them tightly together before letting them come to a rest in his lap.
"It's probably not impossible," he adds, his voice softer than before, "even if it's unusual."
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Those worried hands caught his eye, and Kai watched them carefully for a moment. Ahh. Reaching over, Kai rest his other palm warmly over them.
"Mmmm.... I am the weird one here," Kai said with a dry breath of a laugh, "so I guess it'd make sense if I had the weirdo heart."
Kai gave both the boy and his hands a firm squeeze, tipping his head a bit to try and catch Shinji's gaze. There was light poking fun at his own old 'freak' reputation, but this right here was real important. "Even if it is," he said softly, "it can't touch how much I love you. 'M always gonna come back home."
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With it all but confirmed that, yes, this is a personal wonder on Kai's part, that gives Shinji even more to sift through. "I'm not saying that you're weird for it," he protests lightly, very much aware that Kai's trying to bring a bit of levity to the situation, but also not quite knowing what to say next and not wanting that thought to hang there for too long.
And what now...? He hesitates again from there. There's a part of him that feels like he shouldn't ask, but wouldn't it help him feel a little more... certain, about the situation if he knew, "Can I ask who it is...?"
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Which was.. yeah, pretty much confirming that this was more specifically about him. Straying on side of 'I dunno maybe' was as much of a go ahead on admitting the rest that Kai could have wanted. He didn't really think he'd be able to get away from the conversation this far in and not have it be obvious that the hypothetical wasn't all that hypothetical.
Kai gave his hands a warm squeeze. "Wasn't gonna keep it from you." Not when it wouldn't be hard to guess. Their social circle was not what anyone would call robust. What a surprise it would be, considering Kai's laments over not being able to be in two places at once. Resting his head on Shinji's, Kai spoke a bit softer, as if that would make it a little less guilty.
"It's Kyoko."
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Somehow, the answer doesn't tie his stomach up in knots quite as much as he'd anticipated. There probably are only a very limited number of people who it could have been, and really, if he thought about it on his own, who else could it have been, if not Kyoko? Is this an outcome he should have seen coming? That definitely gives him a lot to think about, so... please, give him some time.
Shinji doesn't budge from leaning against Kai as he tries to make sense of these new facts and his own feelings. Last he knew, Kyoko had some kind of 'it's complicated' status with someone from home. Would that make Kai's affections something inherently fruitless? There's something about it that kind of stings in this context - maybe the idea that someone else could take her away from them, even if that someone doesn't exist in Havenwell. He can't even take comfort in the fact that Kai's feelings have a very real chance of not being reciprocated with that little prickle of unease lingering off that thought, as awful as he feels even considering it.
"She's really great," he murmurs eventually, voice small despite how heavy it is. 'If I can't have you to myself, I want nothing to do with you,' echoes distantly through his mind as he tells himself to be careful with how he approaches his response. He can't be like that, above everything else. He can't afford to let his own greed push Kai away. "I don't think I can blame you."
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Kyoko's status was pretty 'It's Complicated' from Kai's standpoint too. Her heart was very clearly elsewhere in ways she thought would ruin their friendships. That still seemed like it was a Kyoko kind of exaggeration, so he was taking it with a grain of salt. That didn't change the ache in his heart though. Her feelings were real enough.
He hadn't needed to say any of this. He could have gotten away with saying nothing at all, and he wouldn't have had to know he put that heaviness in Shinji's voice. It would have been worse if he found out some other way, Kai reminded himself. There was always going to be another way.
"Mm... so I hope whoever she likes knows she's as great as we do," he softly.
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"So do I." She deserves to feel as cared about as possible. If whoever she fancies is even half as kind and attentive as Kai is, then she should be good, hopefully. Hopefully.
That only does so much to address Kai's confession, but knowing a fuller scope of it makes that secret feel less turbulent. It's still a vast, murky thing on Shinji's end, but it seems like it won't be tossing either himself or Kai around too much. His own worries about whether or not he'll be able to stave off some of those more depressing thoughts this has set free can be set aside for now. He clasps his hands a little tighter together before narrowing his focus down solely to Kai's plight.
"Do you feel any better?"
Secrets off your chest, and ideally flowers out of your throat as a result?
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"Uh," Kai said, a tell tale to the blunt truth about to follow. "Not really."
Really there wasn't any part of admitting to your anxious boyfriend that you had an unrequited feeling for someone else-- inevitably hurting them along the way-- that felt good. Felt pretty shitty actually. The tickle in his throat wasn't flowers anymore, he was sure, so yeah. He had that going at least. Kai sighed softly through his nose.
"Just wanted to be honest," he went on quietly. "So nothing could turn it into something else. S'not supposed to be a secret."
"... but it's not gonna be anything you don't want it to be, either."
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This sucks.
But what in the world could he possibly want it to be? He doesn't want it to be anything, if all it's being is a pain to both Kai and himself, but it's not like he can just wish this painful fact away, and Kai clearly didn't want it to be a secret, so...
"Were you planning on telling her, too?"
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Because if Shinji didn't want it to be anything, then that's what the answer was. It really didn't need to go any farther than here. It'd just be karma catching up to him if his secrets were spilled in front of her later, and the real party they'd both be worried about would have already known.
"'Cuz I'm not trying to like... find something that I'm missing," Kai said, hugging Shinji a bit more. That had been the issue before, and Kai was sure it had all come simmering right back up to the surface. "I'm not missin' anything. You've made me the happiest I've ever been. I don't need anything else if I've got you here with me."
Then softer. "Just went from not caring at all to caring way too much, I guess."
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And that... would be extra bad, especially when they have plans for the immediate future that require them to work together. Shinji is... relatively confident that he can keep this secret under wraps and act normally around her at least as long as those plans require it for, but if Kyoko knew...
"I won't tell you not to," he says carefully, wringing whatever assurance he can from everything Kai has to say. This isn't because of anything Shinji is or isn't doing, this isn't some kind of attempt to put him at arms length. "But... if you do decide to... can it wait? Maybe... a week, at least?"
He needs that much promised to him before he can touch on those other sentiments more meaningfully.
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"Of course." A week was fine, yes. "Whenever, if ever. I'm... not in a rush to mess more things up," he said with a soft laugh, running his thumb over Shinji's knuckles.
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There's a little extra twist at his heart as those words hit his ears, like he's the one making Kai feel like he's screwing things up. That's probably the most frustrating part of it, Shinji can't really figure out that there's anyone here to blame for things feeling so tangled so suddenly. Kai is just being true to his own heart, and it's not like Kyoko would want things to get out of hand, either. The only place left to direct that frustration is inward and he's... trying. not to do that.
Okay, though, okay, he'll unclasp his hands enough to carefully envelop Kai's hand in his. Gotta be nice and gentle, just in case those hands of his are still tender from this month's earlier hiccups.
"I told you before, I'm not going anywhere," he reassures him, voice staying quiet as he does. "Even... even if you do let her know, I won't go anywhere. As long as you'll have me."
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Those gentle hands wrapping around his were still a comfort though. Being ready to face whatever happened didn't mean he wasn't starting to freak out a little bit.
He let out a slow breath, turning his head to rest his forehead against Shinji's hair. "You'll always be home, Shinji. Whatever happens, 'm gonna come back to you every time. I won't go anywhere you can't reach."
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"You'll always have a place with me," he answers, voice still sounding awfully small despite how reassuring he wants to be. Maybe gently tracing his fingers along Kai's will help keep him grounded in this moment. "I just want you to be happy."
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"If things keep going just like this, I'll still be happy. Spending time with both of you like this, whether its as friends or more, that's... that's all I really want. Wanna stay like this with you and make you happy. I know someone else out there is gonna make Kyoko happier so... just caring while I can is fine, really."
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