"Uh," Kai said, a tell tale to the blunt truth about to follow. "Not really."
Really there wasn't any part of admitting to your anxious boyfriend that you had an unrequited feeling for someone else-- inevitably hurting them along the way-- that felt good. Felt pretty shitty actually. The tickle in his throat wasn't flowers anymore, he was sure, so yeah. He had that going at least. Kai sighed softly through his nose.
"Just wanted to be honest," he went on quietly. "So nothing could turn it into something else. S'not supposed to be a secret."
"... but it's not gonna be anything you don't want it to be, either."
Well, that's... Shinji's not sure how to feel about that. It's not exactly comforting that this didn't bring Kai any net reprieve, but would Shinji have felt better if it had, considering the subject matter? At least this is all a testament to Kai's honesty, and at least he got to unleash this information on his own terms, but... oof.
This sucks.
But what in the world could he possibly want it to be? He doesn't want it to be anything, if all it's being is a pain to both Kai and himself, but it's not like he can just wish this painful fact away, and Kai clearly didn't want it to be a secret, so...
Because if Shinji didn't want it to be anything, then that's what the answer was. It really didn't need to go any farther than here. It'd just be karma catching up to him if his secrets were spilled in front of her later, and the real party they'd both be worried about would have already known.
"'Cuz I'm not trying to like... find something that I'm missing," Kai said, hugging Shinji a bit more. That had been the issue before, and Kai was sure it had all come simmering right back up to the surface. "I'm not missin' anything. You've made me the happiest I've ever been. I don't need anything else if I've got you here with me."
Then softer. "Just went from not caring at all to caring way too much, I guess."
He appreciates the consideration, he truly does, but leaving that decision up to him is a lot. Shinji doesn't want to make Kai keep secrets, especially not when the truth has a way of making itself known sooner or later in a place like this. He doesn't want to give the go-ahead to something that might damage his relationship either, or just as bad, jeopardize his standing with Kyoko. If Kai tells her this, surely it would leave her under some kind of pressure. Surely she'd feel awkward around Shinji after it.
And that... would be extra bad, especially when they have plans for the immediate future that require them to work together. Shinji is... relatively confident that he can keep this secret under wraps and act normally around her at least as long as those plans require it for, but if Kyoko knew...
"I won't tell you not to," he says carefully, wringing whatever assurance he can from everything Kai has to say. This isn't because of anything Shinji is or isn't doing, this isn't some kind of attempt to put him at arms length. "But... if you do decide to... can it wait? Maybe... a week, at least?"
He needs that much promised to him before he can touch on those other sentiments more meaningfully.
Gosh what a specific amount of time. Who knew what that was about. Kai wasn't paying it any mind, way more preoccupied with the right here and now.
"Of course." A week was fine, yes. "Whenever, if ever. I'm... not in a rush to mess more things up," he said with a soft laugh, running his thumb over Shinji's knuckles.
There's a little extra twist at his heart as those words hit his ears, like he's the one making Kai feel like he's screwing things up. That's probably the most frustrating part of it, Shinji can't really figure out that there's anyone here to blame for things feeling so tangled so suddenly. Kai is just being true to his own heart, and it's not like Kyoko would want things to get out of hand, either. The only place left to direct that frustration is inward and he's... trying. not to do that.
Okay, though, okay, he'll unclasp his hands enough to carefully envelop Kai's hand in his. Gotta be nice and gentle, just in case those hands of his are still tender from this month's earlier hiccups.
"I told you before, I'm not going anywhere," he reassures him, voice staying quiet as he does. "Even... even if you do let her know, I won't go anywhere. As long as you'll have me."
Anyway you look at it, Shinji, it was Kai doing the screw ups here. Even if he had a lot of good intentions, that didn't mean he hadn't just made a mess. Maybe it wasn't the kind that really had a solid place to saddle the blame, but Kai'd really prefer it get hoisted on him. He could shoulder his own choices.
Those gentle hands wrapping around his were still a comfort though. Being ready to face whatever happened didn't mean he wasn't starting to freak out a little bit.
He let out a slow breath, turning his head to rest his forehead against Shinji's hair. "You'll always be home, Shinji. Whatever happens, 'm gonna come back to you every time. I won't go anywhere you can't reach."
'What if someone else felt more right', 'He shouldn't have to feel obligated', and other such treacherous notions briefly surface among Shinji's thoughts, ones which he tries his hardest to not pay any attention to. They're there, but will they plague him if he doesn't think about them? We... will see.
"You'll always have a place with me," he answers, voice still sounding awfully small despite how reassuring he wants to be. Maybe gently tracing his fingers along Kai's will help keep him grounded in this moment. "I just want you to be happy."
"I am happy," he said firmly. This moment right here was rough, sure, but overall? Unthinkably happy.
"If things keep going just like this, I'll still be happy. Spending time with both of you like this, whether its as friends or more, that's... that's all I really want. Wanna stay like this with you and make you happy. I know someone else out there is gonna make Kyoko happier so... just caring while I can is fine, really."
Hearing him say it, that Kyoko's certainly got someone out there better for her... man, that's still an unusually heavy thought. What the heck.
"She's been really good to both of us, hasn't she?" He comments softly. There's no need to not give her credit where it's due - it's not like she's doing anything wrong to win anyone's affections.
"I like... the way things are, it's comfortable being around both of you." If nothing about it were to change, he wouldn't mind that in the least, but he knows that's really not a feasible thing to ask. Even if Kai decides to never let her in on his little secret, it isn't as if nothing's ever going to change. If they stay here in Havenwell, or end up going home with Kyoko like she wishes, things are going to naturally change along the way. That's not a bad thing, it's just how things go. "But... I trust you, and I trust her, so if you think it's something you eventually want to tell her... that's okay."
Even if he hadn't known for sure that there was someone out there Kyoko loved, Kai would have known there was someone better out there for her. There was someone better out there for Shinji, too. Kai had just been lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time-- he wasn't giving that up. At least there were other ways to try and make both of them happy.
"Shinji..." He was really, truly, far too good him. Kai knew it deep down in his bones. "I'll... play it by ear. See if it ever feels right, I guess." He couldn't say he could think of a time when that would be, but who knew for sure.
"Thanks. I'm not... I don't take your trust lightly, you know?"
"If it ever feels right," he echoes quietly. He can definitely live with that, just as long as Kai can keep himself from letting it feel right for as long as Shinji's asked.
"I know." He settles his hands a little more snugly into Kai's, narrowing his focus on how nice this feeling is. There's no reason to jeopardize what they have over something like tripping into deeper feelings, and he can feel assured that Kai wouldn't want to, either. This isn't meant to hurt him, Kai doesn't want to wreck what they have. It still weighs on Shinji's shoulders, but the least he can do is keep himself from flinching away from the affection Kai continues to extend to him. "You're good, Kai, don't worry."
One week was totally easy peasy when he was assuming 'never' was the answer. You're looking free and clear, Shinji.
Saying he was good didn't feel all that entirely correct. It was just hard to tell every know and then. For as good as Kai thought he'd gotten at reading Shinji, he knew very well he wasn't getting the whole picture every single time. Kai didn't want to push him too hard, but he couldn't always find the ways to prod those deeper thoughts out gently.
"Long as you tell me when I'm not," he carefully reminded him. "I trust you too."
"Mm," he nods gently, finally pulling his head carefully off of Kai's shoulder. Okay, okay, he thinks he can deal with the potential of being looked at now. His hands remain solidly wrapped around Kai's - a way to reassure both the other boy and himself that this is... not terrible. This is very much just a stumble, nothing catastrophic. If they want to recover from this, they can.
"Thank you." For trusting him, even if it's with this sort of information, something that could hurt him. That kind of honesty is important, even if it's unpleasant. "I'm glad... really, I don't want you to feel like you have to keep secrets you don't want to."
Hopefully that was so, because Kai was certainly looking. He wasn't able to keep the concern out of his expression, but it was all stemming from the warmth in his eyes as he watched Shinji carefully. The affection that burned there was as bright as it ever was, a constant in this suddenly new and slight uncertain period that Kai himself had ushered in.
"Don't want you to get the idea I'd keep things from you." Because what was to stop that from whispering that everything else he said should be doubted to? "You're too important to me, Shinji."
That's... too much, Kai. Shinji was just getting comfortable with the idea that he can maybe look him in the eye, he drops that overwhelmingly warm sentiment down. He exhales slowly to stop himself from ducking back down in bashfulness.
He pulls away one of his hands, tightening his old with the other one to make up for it, as he reaches up to lightly pat Kai's cheek. "You're so important to me, too." He's too greedy to let go of him over something like this, as hazy as his feelings of it remain. "I love you, so... if this is just another part of you, I want... to be able to love it, too."
Surely, he can love the part of Kai that loves another person. He doesn't lose anything from it, and he's not going to reject that part of him on the slim chance that it will end up hurting him somewhere down the line.
One upping him once again, eh Shinji. Kai leaned into the touch before those pats could move away. Honestly, he still had no idea how he'd gotten so lucky. "I know that's too much to ask for," he said quietly, overwhelmed by how much that truly meant to him. It really was too much to ask for! Offering that at all was... a lot!
"I dunno how to make it easier but... I'll sure try."
What would make this easier? Shinji thinks on that for a moment, letting his hand linger there at Kai's cheek.
"Just... keep being patient with me." He's already doing that much, Shinji can't ask much more than what he's been doing all along, but the gentle reminder should make it easier for the both of them. "I'll keep doing the same for you."
That was something they both knew they could be, at least. It was a safe call to place that reminder there where they could both remember it.
Kai nodded slightly. "Thanks," he said with a hint of a smile. "That won't be hard though, being patient with you." With a little turn of his head, Kai pressed a quick kiss to that warm palm. "It's been worth it every time."
What a soft gesture... Those tender moments between them are the sorts of things Shinji doesn't want to let slip through his hands.
"For you, too."
If that's what it takes to keep cherishing this boy, that's what he'll do. Just... keep exercising as much patience as possible. Reminding himself how much it's worth it, even if it's not always easy.
"Hope so." It was a soft sigh. Kai stole another little kiss before he shifted a touch. It was just enough so he could lean in and gently bump his forehead to Shinji's.
"Love you." He paused, then went on softer, "Didn't think I could love you more than I did, but you keep provin' me wrong."
"I'm just doing what I can," he protests quietly, leaning in to that touch as the assurance it brings is extra needed in this moment. "Because I love you. I don't... I don't want to hurt you, or lose you, so I'm going to keep working hard."
He exhales a sigh quietly, giving that hand a brief squeeze. "You're worth that effort, Kai."
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"Uh," Kai said, a tell tale to the blunt truth about to follow. "Not really."
Really there wasn't any part of admitting to your anxious boyfriend that you had an unrequited feeling for someone else-- inevitably hurting them along the way-- that felt good. Felt pretty shitty actually. The tickle in his throat wasn't flowers anymore, he was sure, so yeah. He had that going at least. Kai sighed softly through his nose.
"Just wanted to be honest," he went on quietly. "So nothing could turn it into something else. S'not supposed to be a secret."
"... but it's not gonna be anything you don't want it to be, either."
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This sucks.
But what in the world could he possibly want it to be? He doesn't want it to be anything, if all it's being is a pain to both Kai and himself, but it's not like he can just wish this painful fact away, and Kai clearly didn't want it to be a secret, so...
"Were you planning on telling her, too?"
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Because if Shinji didn't want it to be anything, then that's what the answer was. It really didn't need to go any farther than here. It'd just be karma catching up to him if his secrets were spilled in front of her later, and the real party they'd both be worried about would have already known.
"'Cuz I'm not trying to like... find something that I'm missing," Kai said, hugging Shinji a bit more. That had been the issue before, and Kai was sure it had all come simmering right back up to the surface. "I'm not missin' anything. You've made me the happiest I've ever been. I don't need anything else if I've got you here with me."
Then softer. "Just went from not caring at all to caring way too much, I guess."
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And that... would be extra bad, especially when they have plans for the immediate future that require them to work together. Shinji is... relatively confident that he can keep this secret under wraps and act normally around her at least as long as those plans require it for, but if Kyoko knew...
"I won't tell you not to," he says carefully, wringing whatever assurance he can from everything Kai has to say. This isn't because of anything Shinji is or isn't doing, this isn't some kind of attempt to put him at arms length. "But... if you do decide to... can it wait? Maybe... a week, at least?"
He needs that much promised to him before he can touch on those other sentiments more meaningfully.
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"Of course." A week was fine, yes. "Whenever, if ever. I'm... not in a rush to mess more things up," he said with a soft laugh, running his thumb over Shinji's knuckles.
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There's a little extra twist at his heart as those words hit his ears, like he's the one making Kai feel like he's screwing things up. That's probably the most frustrating part of it, Shinji can't really figure out that there's anyone here to blame for things feeling so tangled so suddenly. Kai is just being true to his own heart, and it's not like Kyoko would want things to get out of hand, either. The only place left to direct that frustration is inward and he's... trying. not to do that.
Okay, though, okay, he'll unclasp his hands enough to carefully envelop Kai's hand in his. Gotta be nice and gentle, just in case those hands of his are still tender from this month's earlier hiccups.
"I told you before, I'm not going anywhere," he reassures him, voice staying quiet as he does. "Even... even if you do let her know, I won't go anywhere. As long as you'll have me."
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Those gentle hands wrapping around his were still a comfort though. Being ready to face whatever happened didn't mean he wasn't starting to freak out a little bit.
He let out a slow breath, turning his head to rest his forehead against Shinji's hair. "You'll always be home, Shinji. Whatever happens, 'm gonna come back to you every time. I won't go anywhere you can't reach."
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"You'll always have a place with me," he answers, voice still sounding awfully small despite how reassuring he wants to be. Maybe gently tracing his fingers along Kai's will help keep him grounded in this moment. "I just want you to be happy."
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"If things keep going just like this, I'll still be happy. Spending time with both of you like this, whether its as friends or more, that's... that's all I really want. Wanna stay like this with you and make you happy. I know someone else out there is gonna make Kyoko happier so... just caring while I can is fine, really."
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"She's been really good to both of us, hasn't she?" He comments softly. There's no need to not give her credit where it's due - it's not like she's doing anything wrong to win anyone's affections.
"I like... the way things are, it's comfortable being around both of you." If nothing about it were to change, he wouldn't mind that in the least, but he knows that's really not a feasible thing to ask. Even if Kai decides to never let her in on his little secret, it isn't as if nothing's ever going to change. If they stay here in Havenwell, or end up going home with Kyoko like she wishes, things are going to naturally change along the way. That's not a bad thing, it's just how things go. "But... I trust you, and I trust her, so if you think it's something you eventually want to tell her... that's okay."
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"Shinji..." He was really, truly, far too good him. Kai knew it deep down in his bones. "I'll... play it by ear. See if it ever feels right, I guess." He couldn't say he could think of a time when that would be, but who knew for sure.
"Thanks. I'm not... I don't take your trust lightly, you know?"
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"I know." He settles his hands a little more snugly into Kai's, narrowing his focus on how nice this feeling is. There's no reason to jeopardize what they have over something like tripping into deeper feelings, and he can feel assured that Kai wouldn't want to, either. This isn't meant to hurt him, Kai doesn't want to wreck what they have. It still weighs on Shinji's shoulders, but the least he can do is keep himself from flinching away from the affection Kai continues to extend to him. "You're good, Kai, don't worry."
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Saying he was good didn't feel all that entirely correct. It was just hard to tell every know and then. For as good as Kai thought he'd gotten at reading Shinji, he knew very well he wasn't getting the whole picture every single time. Kai didn't want to push him too hard, but he couldn't always find the ways to prod those deeper thoughts out gently.
"Long as you tell me when I'm not," he carefully reminded him. "I trust you too."
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"Thank you." For trusting him, even if it's with this sort of information, something that could hurt him. That kind of honesty is important, even if it's unpleasant. "I'm glad... really, I don't want you to feel like you have to keep secrets you don't want to."
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"Don't want you to get the idea I'd keep things from you." Because what was to stop that from whispering that everything else he said should be doubted to? "You're too important to me, Shinji."
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He pulls away one of his hands, tightening his old with the other one to make up for it, as he reaches up to lightly pat Kai's cheek. "You're so important to me, too." He's too greedy to let go of him over something like this, as hazy as his feelings of it remain. "I love you, so... if this is just another part of you, I want... to be able to love it, too."
Surely, he can love the part of Kai that loves another person. He doesn't lose anything from it, and he's not going to reject that part of him on the slim chance that it will end up hurting him somewhere down the line.
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"I dunno how to make it easier but... I'll sure try."
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"Just... keep being patient with me." He's already doing that much, Shinji can't ask much more than what he's been doing all along, but the gentle reminder should make it easier for the both of them. "I'll keep doing the same for you."
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Kai nodded slightly. "Thanks," he said with a hint of a smile. "That won't be hard though, being patient with you." With a little turn of his head, Kai pressed a quick kiss to that warm palm. "It's been worth it every time."
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"For you, too."
If that's what it takes to keep cherishing this boy, that's what he'll do. Just... keep exercising as much patience as possible. Reminding himself how much it's worth it, even if it's not always easy.
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"Love you." He paused, then went on softer, "Didn't think I could love you more than I did, but you keep provin' me wrong."
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"I'm just doing what I can," he protests quietly, leaning in to that touch as the assurance it brings is extra needed in this moment. "Because I love you. I don't... I don't want to hurt you, or lose you, so I'm going to keep working hard."
He exhales a sigh quietly, giving that hand a brief squeeze. "You're worth that effort, Kai."